This afternoon I was dancing around the living room in my plaid pjs to Brandi Carlile, a baby in his excersaucer giggling at me and our 3 year old snuggled down for a nap. I’m sad to regret it’s been a long time since I’ve played music just for myself. I used to play it all the time while I cooked or cleaned. Sometimes you forget. Brandi Carlile helped me to remember. Before we had children we had the privilege of listening to her at the Alabama Theater. I’d only heard a couple of her songs before that night. I’m not a die hard fan or anything, but when you’ve seen a band in concert it does something to you. I feel this intimate connection now with her songs, since I’ve seen her live. Live is always better, you get a feel for the artist and their passion really shows (most of the time.) Anyways, I felt happy. Real happy. Why haven’t I slowed down? What took me so long to breathe?
Sometimes I guess I feel bogged down. I kinda forget myself as a separate entity. Meghan goes away and mama replaces her. And that is wonderful, but Meghan needs to be present: for my husband, for my kids, for me. I’m sure all moms feel this way. It is so easy to get caught up in the chores, diaper changes, three meals-a-day stuff that you forget. You forget who you are. You forget to stop and breathe and take in all the beautiful things. You forget to think. You forget to thank God for each moment. You forget to truly count your blessings. Sometimes as women we are just going and doing and stressing. At least I do. This blog post is for me.
It’s really hard to blog now. If I have free time I’m usually napping. 🙂 I do think it helps if I stop and look at my life from the outside looking in. Where were we 6 months ago, ya know? God has given us such a beautiful life. Really, honesty, I can say I’m living my dream. And yes the path to get here was difficult and somewhat unique to us, but I’ve almost completely forgotten. Not the beauty, not the travel, not the oneness and memories of me and my mister, but the pain. The heartache is fading. It’s totally thanks to these kids. All my holes and scars that have molded me are fading, and it feels so good.
Being a mom is hard. I don’t want to sugar coat it or paint a picture of perfection over here, because we are not a perfect family. Sometimes the days drag by and I’m tearfully praying to God for 8:00pm to roll around. Other days I just want to soak in a hot bath and let every muscle relax, let the tension release from my neck and head. Sometimes I loose my temper, there (sadly) have been times when I’ve shouted. I get tired of hide-n-seek, ABCs, kid’s books, coloring, cooking, crying, loud voices…ya know the usual kid stuff. I am human. Yes, I wanted this for years and years. Yes, I am grateful. BUT we are a real family. It’s not all fluff and rainbows. I don’t think any family is like that. We have a strong-willed child, we have to constantly remind him we are in charge. “We are the parents, you are the child,” I say a million times in a day. It’s stressful. Today, today when I was dancing around it hit me: treasure each second they are little. Yes I’m stressed, but I will never get these moments back. It feels like sand slipping through my fingers. I want to grasp these moments, clinch them in my fists, but they keep slipping through the cracks of my fingers. I almost cried. I was looking in. Looking in at my family today. Seeing the moments from the outside, how beautiful, how ordinary, how perfect they were. I’ll never get today back.
I want to make the best of everyday. I want to remember each second with my babies. One day they won’t be babies anymore. I’ll just be an old lady sitting in a rocking chair, sipping my sweet tea wishing I had a baby in my lap to read a book to.