Birth mom, Natural Mother, First Mother, Tummy Mommy, these are all names given to a mom who chooses life for her child. Sometimes overlooked in the adoption process, but not rightfully so. These women who are pregnant because of a number of circumstances, some beyond their control, have chosen to give their children a life they cannot provide for them at their time of birth. These women sacrifice. These women love their child unconditionally. These women loose a part of their heart. These women are heroes.
I understand that every situation is different and a lot of mom’s don’t decide to give their babies, they are taken from them or they desert them. I am talking about a women who has chosen to give her baby up for adoption because she cannot, whether financially, emotionally, or physically, care for the child.
I have asked a tummy mommy to give her story, and happily she agreed. I’m so grateful for this because as a future adoptive family I think it is needed for us to know a little about what the birth mother goes through. This gives us more insight to adoption and helps us to see other sides of the life we have chosen.
I love sharing my/our story. I found out I was pregnant 3 days before my 20th birthday. By then I was already 12 weeks along. I made an appointment at planned parent hood to get an abortion. I had to drive 2 and a half hours to go to my consultation and it was then that they told me I would need 1,500 dollars if I wanted an abortion. Apparently, after 9 weeks, you can no longer take the pill, and an in-clinic abortion is required. I drove back home, and started pawning everything I could. The day came for my appointment, and I just couldn’t make myself get out of bed. To be honest, I was more embarrassed than anything. I felt like I let my family and myself down. I grew up with a single mom, and it was not easy. I never saw her because she had to work all of the time, and I didn’t have a dad like all of my friends. However, I decided that if she could do it then so could I.
But, around 20 weeks I woke up covered in blood in the middle of the night. I rushed myself to the hospital, and it turns out I just had a really bad UTI. Thankfully nothing was wrong. I had to miss work that day unfortunately, and because I was absent they told me I was fired. This is when I started thinking about adoption.
I made a list of everything I needed in order to be successful. A degree and money were at the top; neither of which I had. In the days that followed I met with an adoption agency, and told her everything I wanted in a family. She wrote down all of the requirements that I insisted on my son’s parents having. I basically made a profile of a family that I hoped to be like one day. Within two weeks she sent me a profile of a couple who were on board with an open adoption. I agreed to meet them. We first met when I was around 22 or 23 weeks. That night at dinner I brought a list of questions. They answered all of them no matter how personal or difficult they were. His mom, could also not have her own children, and that made me very sad. Needless to say, we all hit it off great, and I just knew, deep down, that they were the ones. Before we even left I went up to them and told them I wanted them to be my son’s parents. She just hugged me and started crying.
From then on out, she traveled 4 hours every month to come to my Dr.’s appointments, and eventually it was once a week. I will never forget her face the first time she heard his heart beat. It was beautiful. And I had no doubts that she would be the best mom in the world. We talked almost everyday, and she would send me care packages whenever she felt like it. And we grew really close. As it got closer and closer to the big day, we had to make a hospital plan, and a communication agreement. My hospital plan basically stated that his mom would be in the room with me the entire time. I wanted her to have that experience of being the first to see and hold her son. She also got to cut his umbilical chord.
Our communication agreement stated that we would see him 3 times before they move in April. and we would get pictures every six months until he is 2 years old. Then, once a year on his birthday. Together we decided that an open adoption would be the best. I want him to know who we are, and where he came from. I did however, make it very clear, that if he were to ever become too overwhelmed or decide that he did not want to know me; that I would disappear no questions asked. I just wanted/want what was best for him, even if it was going to be harder on me.
Finally, the big day rolled around. We were 3 weeks early, and I thought I just peed the bed one night. My boyfriend, mom and myself rushed to the hospital, and I called his mom and dad. They got there in about an hour and a half, when the drive usually takes 2 and half. She was already crying from excitement, and I was happy to see them. I was definitely really scared, because I did not know what to expect. I was in active labor for 2 hours, when he decided to grace us with his presence. His mom, and my mom held my legs and hands the whole time and encouraged me every second. I was watching his mom’s face the whole time, and tears were just streaming down them. I knew she had been waiting for him for so long.
When he finally came out, the nurse handed him to me. There was no crying or screaming on his end. He was perfectly happy. He has my eyes, and he just stared at me. He seemed to be telling me ” Everything is going to be okay.” At this point, I am already crying. I couldn’t believe I made something this beautiful. He wasn’t even out of my arms, and I already missed him.
In my state, the birth mom has 3 days to make her decision. The first 2, I was in the hospital. Between myself and his parents we would switch off on holding him. The first night I didn’t even sleep, I just looked at him. He never cried once. The time came for us to go our separate ways. They brought in his car seat, and I asked if it would be okay if I had a few moments alone with him to say goodbye. I could tell in his mom’s eyes she was scared I was going to change my mind. And to be honest, I almost did. I held him one more time. And told him how much I loved him, and that wherever he was, I would always be there; and that I was sorry I couldn’t be a better mom. We all met outside, and they drove home as a family. I drove home empty handed and with a broken heart. The next day, we signed the adoption papers and everything was final.
To make a long story short, my son will be 8 months old in 3 days. I have seen him every month since he was born, and have received pictures on every visit. His mom and dad have gone above and beyond our communication agreement, and they will never know how grateful I am. I love being able to see him grow. Every visit, I give him a book and some letters I had (and still do) started writing him letters they day I decided on adoption. I told him all of my reasons, and how I would pick the perfect parents, and I mostly told him how much I loved him. I also gave him my great-great grandfathers pocket watch. I had “And she loved a little boy very very much, even more than she loved herself” engraved on the back of it. I also wrote his mom and dad a thank you note, and I made them promise to always tell him how much I love him. My biggest fear is that he will hate me because he will think I never wanted him. Sorry I let myself go on a rant. But we are all very close, and they are the best parents anyone could ask for. I am happy I found them. I hope this helps some, and I wish you the best of luck =)