Tim went to court that morning and found out they would be leaving. Daddy came to Hayneville to get me from a training, and mama went to Mcds to bring us lunch home for one last meal together. When I got there I remember frantically teaching Jacob to call 911 if he ever needed it, and feeling like I had fallen short in so much I needed to have done for them in our seven months together.
I remember everyone who loved them from our family coming to say goodbye. I remember Lauren bringing two gallons of milk to send home with them because Grace loved milk so much. I remember my sweet granddaddy saying he felt like he was at a funeral, and Aunt Tina taking another little boy who lived with us home with her so that we could have the night to grieve. And that is what we did. We layed in our bed and I cried. I knew that my life had ended. It was my first experience loving a child the way a mother does, and them leaving hurt me.. Deeply. I remember telling Tim that I would never be okay again.
And I was wrong. I was okay again. The sun rose the next morning, and whether I felt like it should or not.. the world went on. Healing from them leaving was a slow process. I worried about them, I missed them. I physically hurt from missing them.
On days like that, it was hard to just trust God. I felt like there had to be something I could do to control their future. But I know that HE knew what was best for them far better than me.
I wonder sometimes if they remember us. Especially Jacob. I wonder if he remembers our vacation to North Carolina or Tim and Daddy coaching his basketball team. I wonder if he remembers our prayers, or swimming all summer. I wonder if he remembers me singing.. and how really loved he was.
And if he doesn’t, I am glad that I do. I am glad that God showed me for the first time through Jacob and Grace about real sacrifice for HIM. Sacrifice that goes beyond your checkbook and your free time. Sacrifice that is full of heart, and effort, and trust, and total commitment.
I am thankful that Jacob and Grace will grow up with their parents. And I pray that one day I get to see their sweet faces again and they have wonderful stories to tell of honor roll and playing sports. And how loved they are by their family, I would be so glad to know that they were really aware of that.
They left three years ago this week. And so they are on my mind. Amazing to think in three years how much has happened, and how it feels like yesterday that I kissed them goodbye.
If you don’t pray for foster children, and the foster families that they have to leave at times please do. The bonds that exist.. that are often immediately broken.. are real bonds. And losing someone you really love, is beyond difficult. I am so thankful for the families who decide that God’s command to take care of the orphans exceeds their own fear being hurt when the children have to leave. And I pray for their peace on the hard days.